Sometimes I struggle. I'm struggling today. I haven't written in a while and thought this might be a good time to let some of the struggle out. Someone once told me
forgiveness is day to day. That we wake up and ask, can I forgive
today? Today, I struggle forgiving. I have always loved the city of
New York. I would go a few times a year to visit my grandmother who was
so proud of the city. Marian the librarian.
 |
| Marian is closest to the sign. |
She had stories of struggles her family faced during the depression. She talked about going to rallies during the sixties. She talked about fighting for books in the public school she worked, where she was nicknamed Ole Iron Balls. The city, where she raised her family, my mother and aunts. Where she sat in waiting rooms while my grandfather received treatment for cancer. Where she roller-skated down the docks on the river. Where she showed me places she used to work, where famous people lived, where the best shopping deals were, were the best food was, where the best exhibits were, where movies were filmed. She marveled at the changes of the city, at the changes in her neighborhood, at the culture and creativity. She took me to see shows, modern art at the Whitney, the MOMA, museums, a snowstorm indoors at a Polish circus, musicals, drama, architecture, statues...window exhibits. We would peek our heads in so we could see architecture or amazing show pieces inside buildings. She would speak gently and firmly to people. No one could resist the grandma. She would put her arm in front of me at cross walks to "save my life" and prevent me from walking into the street as I would be looking at everything else in the city and not the street signs. (Even when I was looking at street signs, she would still put her arm out) She waived her finger back and forth at her computer and told it to be nice to her. She worked on the NY Times crossword puzzle everyday. She sometimes let me help...asking me questions she already knew the answers to. She volunteered at the English speaking union. She encouraged me to never stop learning, to continue to challenge myself, to keep going, to struggle, and to achieve, to recognize and enjoy the things the city had to offer, to enjoy the things life had to offer....just to enjoy.
Some days, it's easier to recognize she died in the city she lived and it was quick and painless. Some days, I cannot forgive the city with the cold steel and lack of pedestrian laws. It's been months, but my struggle to forgive NY is a battle. Because I felt I had to say goodbye to the city as well as to her. My feelings of forgiveness are intertwined with saying goodbye and recognizing that sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes, I can hear her voice in my head, giving me advice or telling me what to do. I realize I have been extremely lucky to have her in my life and the city in my life for this long, but it still feels hard. Sometimes, there is value in putting words to thoughts. So, maybe this will help my healing process. I miss her. Everyday. It's getting easier, but there are some days that are just harder than others.
Some days, it's easier to recognize she died in the city she lived and it was quick and painless. Some days, I cannot forgive the city with the cold steel and lack of pedestrian laws. It's been months, but my struggle to forgive NY is a battle. Because I felt I had to say goodbye to the city as well as to her. My feelings of forgiveness are intertwined with saying goodbye and recognizing that sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes, I can hear her voice in my head, giving me advice or telling me what to do. I realize I have been extremely lucky to have her in my life and the city in my life for this long, but it still feels hard. Sometimes, there is value in putting words to thoughts. So, maybe this will help my healing process. I miss her. Everyday. It's getting easier, but there are some days that are just harder than others. 
