Sometimes, I feel like we're all taught to look at the world a certain way. We have labels and need to place things into boxes to make our lives simpler...or maybe just have things make sense. Always looking for the bigger picture, planning for the future. I’m a planner. Well, a sort of planner. But I think what I’ve realized over the past years is there are some things you can’t plan for.
I’m in graduate school. One of the questions I have been asked constantly is impact or intention. What was my intention in making a statement and what was the impact because of my statement. My mind moves really fast. I often say things with good intentions, but don’t pay attention to how my words affect others. But there’s also a time and a place for me to write about what I’m actually thinking. This is my space. So be forewarned.
I went up to the mountains this weekend and went snowboarding. There are a few important things you should know about this endeavor.
1. I am still learning. I fall a LOT. But I also think falling is fun. (except the knock the wind out of you or smack your head really hard falls)
2. The mountains are quiet. Even with them being packed full of people, there are these spots where I can look around and see nothing but the snow and trees and hear the sound of the wind through the trees.
3. The sound of the wind through the trees is one of my favorite sounds
4. I make sound effects while snowboarding the entire time. I’m pretty sure people think I’m crazy because I talk to myself and then hoot and holler and laugh and make car screeching noises.
While I am still learning, this being my first season, I really love it. Waking up early is hard, but going up with friends, and doing a few runs is amazing! This past weekend I was snowboarding with a friend. I was up ahead a little and was working on my carving (look at this, I’m even learning the lingo). It felt so freeing. Then, suddenly, I found myself thinking about a friend who died in an avalanche this year. We weren’t super close. But he was one of those people who you want in your life. He was the type of person who listened and really heard you, who cared, who remembered. He was thoughtful and genuine. He also had a love for life and was very funny. While making this turn and feeling free, I realized that he had died doing this. That it was at least something he loved doing. That he is missed.
These past few years, I’ve lost a lot of people in my life. I feel like we all have. The losses have changed the way I look at things. I can try and put things into boxes all I want. I can try and protect people, I can try and do my best, but bad things still happen. I wish this was my big ah ha moment where I felt like I accept this lack of control with open arms. Ohhhhhhhh no. It’s very uncomfortable. At my last job, I worked with people who are not always highly regarded by the community or society in general. But I knew a different side….sort of. I saw and heard a lot of things. I learned a lot. When I first started working there, I thought if I worked hard enough and tried hard enough, I could keep people safe, prevent bad things from happening. It didn’t matter how hard I tried. A lot of bad things happened and I mourned for a lot of people who had made some bad choices, made mistakes, who struggled…and didn’t have anyone else to mourn for them. The only thing I learned was I could be there.
I also found that people don’t really like to talk about death much...including me. It’s an uncomfortable subject. There aren’t always words. There aren’t reasons or answers. There’s not an easy way to talk about it. It’s hard for me to talk about. There are a few people I poured my heart out too. Some in the right moments, most were cathartic dumping, trying to expunge the memories and feelings. But I appreciate the people who have been there with me through those moments. I also know that it prohibited me from being there for people when I should have. It’s hard to learn that no matter how hard we try, sometimes bad things happen and they happen to everyone. People who don’t deserve it, people who make mistakes…it doesn’t matter. It makes my heart hurt. It also makes me value the people in my life. My partner, my family, my friends….and it makes me hope for less bad things and easier times ahead.
So I thought about this as I took a turn and came to the top of the hill. This may seem like a sad rant, but it’s not. It’s liberating. Like cruising down a mountain or even falling in fresh powder snow. Listening to the wind through the trees. Watching the sunlight hit the grass in the backyard. I'm still figuring myself out. But this is a step to remembering my voice.
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